The Turtle

I met my friend Keri years ago when I was working at KPMG as an assistant. Keri was the receptionist and apparently had her eye on me for quite sometime as her future BFF. She says she noticed me first in the cafeteria where I was reading and immediately made the decision to woo me. I did notice her eyes had a tendency to follow me when I walked past the reception desk, but I didn't realize she was waiting for her opportunity to make me her friend. She made her move on the elevator and asked me to go to "lunchy munchy" with her. I remembered her long lingering stares and assumed lunchy munchy was lesbian code for a date. I said yes and hoped for the best. I can't remember if the first lunch was when she confessed her secret courtship (stalking), but I came to agree that we were destined to be friends forever.

I first met the majority of Keri's family when I had been invited to her grandma Rosie's to go for a swim. As Keri and I headed to the pool to take a dip, Rosie stuck her head out and shouted, "give Kahrmann the turtle!!" I didn't know what that could mean until her uncle Chris revealed a huge inflated turtle pool toy. He threw it into the pool and Keri and her uncle looked at me expectantly waiting for me to get on. The turtle was pretty daunting because it's dome shaped shell rose at least 2 feet off the surface and since the pool was above ground I was going to have to climb up the side of the pool and somehow mount the turtle from behind. I am nothing if not a good sport, so I climbed up the side of the pool and went for it. The turtle thrashed as I leaped onto it's back and threw me into the air. I went under and as I came up I saw uncle Chris turned bright red and fall to the ground. I screamed to Keri, "He's having a heart attack!" and we swam to the edge to watch over the side at her uncle who was now choking and apoplectic. We started splashing water on him to try to revive him and that's when I felt a tickle on my leg. I looked down and saw that my sting bikini bottoms had come off when I had my fight with the pool toy. Uncle Chris's fit was a laugh attack that happened when he saw my bare bottom go flying through the air.

Sadly, Keri called me a couple of years ago to let me know that the turtle had popped and had been replaced by an octopus that, as she put it, "has many arms to hold you" but it was no replacement and I never went back to the pool to give it a try.